Rescue

I began this post almost a month ago and never seemed to be able to start it like I wanted to or say what I wanted to. It seems the words just couldn't make their way on to the page as I wanted them to. My thoughts came jumbled up and all over till I finally just got up and left it for another day. Days would pass and I would open up to finish, and nothing sounded right, the words would just be off. So I would close it up and leave it for another day again. It seems after a month of going back and forth I am here again, at 12:30 in the morning, deleting everything that I had typed and starting new. 

Unable to sleep again because there is something on my mind. I feel like the Lord and I have some of our best conversations in the wee hours in the morning. It's as if he is saying, "Now you have nothing going on and we need to talk". Sometimes I wonder if it's a test to see if I will obey or if I will push Him aside. I would love to say that I always drop to my knees and talk with my King, but that would be a lie. Sometimes I walk the floor just trying to avoid a heart wrenching talk that I know we need to have. Just one more stronghold to destroy at 1 am, and I feel like I just can't take anymore. The constant state of emotional tears of dealing with things I would like to just move on from. Realizing that the only way to move on is to place them in my Fathers hand. You would think I would actively look forward to this. A freeing moment, however reliving old wounds is never fun. I know He wants this so that I can continue to move forward and grow. But just when I think I am knocking these strongholds down with Him more seem to pop up. I get discouraged, frustrated and angry at myself, and soon realize there is always going to be work to do, Hello newly discovered stronghold. 

I just wanted to take a few moments to share with you all of this because maybe there is someone out there who is feeling the same way. Two steps forward and three steps back sometimes, or at least that's how it feels. I am here to tell you that you are not alone. The enemy just want's us to feel that we are so we wallow in this. He wants to keep us from what we are meant to do. 
Don't let him. Don't give in.... fall down to your knees and have that hard conversation let God help you destroy the strongholds. It may seem painful and suffocating but it's only like that because we don't do what He leads us to do, give it all to Him, because we want to do it ourselves or just not deal with it at all. He truly is the only one who can help. He is the great physician, and He longs for you to let Him help. 

As with most of my life it seems a song can say it best and this one really has hit the nail on the head....




He will rescue you. He is waiting for you to just say the words, accept Him. 
I lived for many years angry, hurt, feeling abandoned, beaten down physically and emotionally, broken, and tired of the pain, I have been lied to, lied about, used and discarded like trash. Wishing that someone would just take the pain away. One night, in the early hours of the morning He found me in the middle of the darkness and He came for me when I needed Him because all I could do was cry out to the Lord. 
"In my distress I cried out to the Lord and He heard me" Psalms 120:1 
It happened just like that. It's like he was waiting, just at the edge of Heaven waiting for my call, my cry. At that moment, the healer came to start the healing process. As much as I would like for it to hurry along and be done, it all happens in His time. Like a wound that is healing, the scab looks nasty, and it itches and it hurts but once the scab is gone there will be new pretty skin. You will be made new again!

Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ" 

I look forward to that day. I have hope again for a day that the pain never bothers me again. I feel that the sting of the abuse and hurt will be a constant reminder of what I have over come, even though there is new skin the scar is still there lots are physical and many are unseen but with the help of my Lord the hope replaces the pain. It doesn't control my life anymore and I am learning to welcome the early morning down pour, but just like Jacob walked with a limp after his encounter with God I will always have that reminder, BUT then GOD steps in and the joy of knowing that because of Jesus and the cross I have hope for a better tomorrow because He didn't save me to leave me here. He will continue His good works in me. 

Recently I was reminded again just how I don't listen that good all the time. I was sitting in the doctors office because of some back issues and the pain had got to a boiling point, and he said to me...."Do you know what a girdle is for?" and of course I said yes.... He says "your core has gotten so weak that your back is doing work it shouldn't have to do, and it's causing you problems"... yes I know.... after 9 operations in my core area the muscles have become so weak that my back was picking up the slack. My back was trying to correct my body. It wasn't designed to carry that kind of weight, no ones is, that's why the core or abdominal muscles are so vital to your health. They are what move you, not your back. Now according to Paul the first piece of armor he mentions in Ephesians is the Belt of Truth, because you start with a solid foundation in the truth, ie... the WORD OF GOD. 
In learning all this I seen the issue with my back. That I was weak, and I needed to start from the beginning and work my way back to where I needed to be. That's funny because I had just been praying and asking the Lord, "what's next" and I continued to get no answer. Well if we are being honest, I got the answer, awhile ago, and felt like it was time for something new.... lets keep doing more and more. Not only do I need to start building a solid foundation for my body but also in my faith. I was reminded of that just days after I spoke with the doctor. This time in came in the form I was not ready for. 
I started my Sunday like any other....
Got up early, made my coffee (thanked the Lord for this wonderful bean juice as I do most mornings as I wait for it to brew), enjoyed the sunrise and headed to start a load of laundry before I headed out to feed the animals. 
The boys were with their dad so it was just me to get ready for church. 
I walked to the bedroom, grabbed the laundry basket and headed to the laundry room. I sorted and loaded the first load. Bent over to pick up the laundry basket and hit the floor.
My back gave smooth out. 
I was done
I couldn't stand up, shooting pain caused me to stay as still as I could for awhile. After a little while I knew I had to have help because no one would be to the house till 5 pm that day when the boys would be dropped back off at home. I decided I had to do something, so I crawled to my bedroom where my phone was resting on the night stand. Tears rolling down my face, I paused as I crawled past my closet, my war room. A room that once held great pain from childhood now was the place I poured my heart out to my Father. (that's an entirely different story that one day I hope to share, but for now we will leave it at this, the closet held me in a state of great fear, and a reminder of pain I never wanted to deal with again, for decades.) My God took a place of great pain and turned it into a place of great comfort. I find many times when I have been in pain I hurried to my closet, I craved for time in there where I could fall on my knees and pour my heart out. It was now a safe place for me. (Yes it seems crazy but it is the truth) Instead of crawling to my phone to call someone to come help me up, I crawled to my closet and laid down face first sobbing. Praying for help, for healing. He took me to the ground. Needless to say I didn't make it to church that morning, but oh was there some healing going on. I also had my answer, I have to build a solid foundation before I can move on to the next place He wants me. I have to make the foundation of my faith so saturated in the word that the enemy wont stand a chance when he comes for me, and he will come.... he always comes, for me, for my family, for my friends, for my family's business, he has tried to attack with lies and hatefulness, but that's ok let him come because he wont be fighting me, he will get to come toe to toe with my King. I find great comfort knowing the verse in Zachariah 2:5 "For I, says the Lord, will be a wall of fire around her and I will be the Glory in her midst". So let him come. 
The Lord had some things to say that day and I had no where else to be but on my face praying for help, crying out again for His help. My stubborn ways had gotten in the way again.... can you say stronghold. Oh how it came crumbling down. I will obey and do what is asked of me, and while I wait I will praise him in the hallway before the next door is opened. I will build my foundation on the solid rock of my King. 

You see many times in the worst of my days, through the pain, through the depression, the self loathing, through all of it he has come to rescue me. He will be the wall of fire around me, He will send out an army to find me and rescue me. Not because I am a somebody, but simply because I am His and He loves me, and He has a plan for my life, just as He has a plan for yours. 

You are not alone.