This is a hard post to share but sometimes we have to share hard things...
For a little over 30 years I kept some events in my life bottled up. As a little girl, I lived through some horrific events that stripped away my innocence and left me with emotional and physical scars deeper than I could imagine and as a young woman in her early 20's I gained new scars. I learned at a very young age that people hurt you and people leave you. They beat you but that was love and love meant pain, a great deal of pain.
Obviously, that was wrong but for 32 years of my life I kept the pain to myself. I thought I had it under control and I had buried it so deep that it would never see the light of day. I lost years of my life as a young girl, I don't remember most of them. I hear that's normal. I suffered from nightmares and still do, fought depression and still fight it, anxiety then and now, and eating disorders that almost took my life. For many years I lived in a state of numbness, and because I didn't feel anything I took some huge risks.
Up until just a couple years ago all I heard from people was that it was all in my head. I was crazy, and controlling, all the while feeling like I had no control over anything in my life. Fearing that if people knew they would think I was crazy, lock me away, and besides I didn't deserve anything better.
As a Christian I hear well meaning people say, "don't you know who's you are? Don't you believe God when He says you loved and chosen?" and all I wanted to do was scream "Yes but I can't help it". All I could hear was.... "You are worthless, and no one cares what I do to you" ... "The fact that you are alive is why my life is over" ... "No one will ever believe you if you tell anyone" .... and best of all hearing them say over and over..... "Don't you know I love you" .... "if you weren't so selfish you would put what I want above anything"...."the only good thing about you is the boys"... and the list goes on....
Yes I know God loves me...but some days it's hard to remember....
And so you hide, you put on a mask so no one sees this ugly person people say you are and you try to be what everyone says you need to be.... and you smile and hope no one asks you if you are ok, because you really don't want to lie but would they even care anyway? Besides when you try to tell people how you feel or what's going on with you.... people call you crazy and tell you that you just want to control everyone or manipulate people to get what you want and you just want people to see it your way. When really you just want someone to hear you, you want them to see you.
That's how I lived for 30 years.... On the outside I looked very different from the battle that was happening on the inside....
Yes I am a Christian, Yes I know God loves me, Yes I believe what the Bible says....
But... Some days it's just hard....
So I keep notes taped right to my mirror so I see them and read them every day! Scripture that tells me who I am....
Word that I repeat daily now... and have for awhile...
Some days I get so frustrated that I have to read them over and over again because some days... Some days it's just so hard to breath.... Somedays you hear the words that say you are worthless, and for 32ish years you believed it... that your life is the cause of people's pain.... because that's what you were told...
You hear that you just want to control everyone around you, so you don't speak up because you don't want that at all...
The words ring through loud and clear that you are far to broken to love and that it's easier to walk away and find someone less broken because you don't know how to love anyone right and you never will....
Most days you remember what God says ... And some days you have to read it over and over again... and that's ok... Because I am a 40 year old woman who needs to re-read that I am loved, I am not to broken, I am strong, I survived, and I am the daughter of the most High God who loves me...
even when I am a mess....
Even on days when you feel like there is no hope left, and you just don't know why....
I am learning to have a little grace with myself, because even if I just take one step forward its a step... and on days when I just can't take a step forward, at least I didn't go backwards....
Today was a day I had to re-read this over and over...
Today I had to find myself on my face begging for the Savior to please just don't leave me, because today I was a mess... and today I found strength not of my own doing but in Jesus who stood beside me.... and said today you can just lean on me because this is what I am here for... Today when you didn't know what to do I will be here for you....
Oh man how I love days when I don't have to re-read it...
But this process of stripping away of the old me, and becoming the woman God designed me to be takes some hard days when I have to lean not on my own strength but His, those days are the days I grow more, I learn to trust more, I learn to love more.... I am learning to have more hope, and appreciate the beauty of those re-read days.
I know who's I am but some days I just need to re-read it and that's ok too....
II Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a Spirit of Fear, but of Power, of Love and of Sound Mind"
I am lovable, I am Important, I am worthy, I survived, I belong, I am strong, It is safe to love and trust, I can learn from my past, but my past will not be my identity, I am not broken, I am not defective inside, I am a daughter of the most High God who loves me with a passion!
~H
