The re-read days!

This is a hard post to share but sometimes we have to share hard things...

 

For a little over 30 years I kept some events in my life bottled up. As a little girl,  I lived through some horrific events that stripped away my innocence and left me with emotional and physical scars deeper than I could imagine and as a young woman in her early 20's I gained new scars. I learned at a very young age that people hurt you and people leave you. They beat you but that was love and love meant pain, a great deal of pain. 

Obviously, that was wrong but for 32 years of my life I kept the pain to myself. I thought I had it under control and I had buried it so deep that it would never see the light of day. I lost years of my life as a young girl, I don't remember most of them. I hear that's normal. I suffered from nightmares and still do, fought depression and still fight it, anxiety then and now, and eating disorders that almost took my life. For many years I lived in a state of numbness, and because I didn't feel anything I took some huge risks. 

Up until just a couple years ago all I heard from people was that it was all in my head. I was crazy, and controlling, all the while feeling like I had no control over anything in my life. Fearing that if people knew they would think I was crazy, lock me away, and besides I didn't deserve anything better.  

As a Christian I hear well meaning people say, "don't you know who's you are? Don't you believe God when He says you loved and chosen?" and all I wanted to do was scream "Yes but I can't help it". All I could hear was.... "You are worthless, and no one cares what I do to you" ... "The fact that you are alive is why my life is over" ... "No one will ever believe you if you tell anyone" .... and best of all hearing them say over and over..... "Don't you know I love you" .... "if you weren't so selfish you would put what I want above anything"...."the only good thing about you is the boys"... and the list goes on....

Yes I know God loves me...but some days it's hard to remember....

And so you hide, you put on a mask so no one sees this ugly person people say you are and you try to be what everyone says you need to be.... and you smile and hope no one asks you if you are ok, because you really don't want to lie but would they even care anyway? Besides when you try to tell people how you feel or what's going on with you.... people call you crazy and tell you that you just want to control everyone or manipulate people to get what you want and you just want people to see it your way. When really you just want someone to hear you, you want them to see you. 

That's how I lived for 30 years.... On the outside I looked very different from the battle that was happening on the inside.... 

Yes I am a Christian, Yes I know God loves me, Yes I believe what the Bible says.... 

But... Some days it's just hard....

So I keep notes taped right to my mirror so I see them and read them every day! Scripture that tells me who I am....

Word that I repeat daily now... and have for awhile... 

Some days I get so frustrated that I have to read them over and over again because some days... Some days it's just so hard to breath.... Somedays you hear the words that say you are worthless, and for 32ish years you believed it... that your life is the cause of people's pain.... because that's what you were told...

 

You hear that you just want to control everyone around you, so you don't speak up because you don't want that at all... 

The words ring through loud and clear that you are far to broken to love and that it's easier to walk away and find someone less broken because you don't know how to love anyone right and you never will....  

Most days you remember what God says ... And some days you have to read it over and over again... and that's ok... Because I am a 40 year old woman who needs to re-read that I am loved, I am not to broken, I am strong, I survived, and I am the daughter of the most High God who loves me...

even when I am a mess....

 Even on days when you feel like there is no hope left, and you just don't know why....

I am learning to have a little grace with myself, because even if I just take one step forward its a step... and on days when I just can't take a step forward, at least I didn't go backwards.... 

Today was a day I had to re-read this over and over... 

Today I had to find myself on my face begging for the Savior to please just don't leave me, because today I was a mess... and today I found strength not of my own doing but in Jesus who stood beside me.... and said today you can just lean on me because this is what I am here for... Today when you didn't know what to do I will be here for you.... 

Oh man how I love days when I don't have to re-read it...

 

But this process of stripping away of the old me, and becoming the woman God designed me to be takes some hard days when I have to lean not on my own strength but His, those days are the days I grow more, I learn to trust more, I learn to love more.... I am learning to have more hope, and appreciate the beauty of those re-read days. 

 I know who's I am but some days I just need to re-read it and that's ok too....

II Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a Spirit of Fear, but of Power, of Love and of Sound Mind"

I am lovable, I am Important, I am worthy, I survived, I belong, I am strong, It is safe to love and trust, I can learn from my past, but my past will not be my identity, I am not broken, I am not defective inside, I am a daughter of the most High God who loves me with a passion!

~H

I want to lead like Barnabas!

So last week I was visiting with someone about ministry and about where I see myself in a few years and they asked if I would fill out an assessment about my leadership style. I of course said yes, I think before he could get the words out of his mouth. I was so excited about the conversation and the future. 

I want to learn, to grow and be ready to go. So when someone talks about teaching me in my calling I get so excited. We chatted for a few moments more and then we said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. My oldest son says I am going to be a student forever, and I am ok with that. Paul was a forever student.... and he did alright I guess. I think I would be in ok company...

Within minutes my phone dinged, it was the email with the link. I was so excited. I told myself that after dinner I would sit down and get it done. Mind you nothing may come of it and that's cool to, I had an opportunity to chat with someone who knew more about it than me, so I learned a little and that's a win. But I began to really think about something he said, "what kind of leader are you?". I have done assessment after assessment in the internship but have I ever really stopped to consider the kind of leader I WANT to be, not just the kind of leader I am. 

So I asked myself that question. And the answer came back very odd, I don't know. I know there are some things I don't want to do as a leader.  

I want to be a leader that makes leaders. One who builds others up and who can step back when it's time. 

I wondered who I could look to so that I can learn from. What leader in the Bible could I reference? I did a little research, and the answer came with a real funny name..... Barnabas.

His name was Joseph but they called him Barnabas. 

I know names were important back in that time, so to be given the name  "son of encouragement" was kind of interesting to me. So like I do I began to dig. What did they mean when they said encouragement? 

Encouragement: Console, exhort, comfort, admonish, develope.... I think for me to many time I think ... oh they say nice things and make me feel better... but that's not always the case. We can help someone grow and tell them things they may not like but it helps them in the long run. Kind of like when they set controlled burns to get rid of all the brush and clutter that is choking out growth. The wrong kind of growth can hurt, so they set it on fire to encourage new growth. The fire is hot and painful and it can destroy but when it's done deep green lush grass and beauty comes through. Encouragement may look different at times, it's not just cheers from the side, it may seem hard and painful to accept. It is so necessary though.  

After a little time looking into the life of Barnabas you can clearly see it wasn't just a name it was who he was. He lived out a life of encouragement. 

I love how we see him time and time again going head long into life and ready to lay it all down for the kingdom. 

Like when....

He seeks out Saul who had been "that guy" that held the coats when Stephen was stoned to death. We see Barnabas seek him out to come alongside him and help him. Probably not the most exciting conversation one could have. Saul introduces himself to and Barnabas is like... "dude I know who you are, I know what you did.... and yet here I am ready to throw in with you to advance the kingdom, so let's do this". Obviously that's not exactly how that went down but you can imagine it would have been a little awkward maybe.

It begs the question... Who are you sticking your neck out for in order to advance the Kingdom? I feel like Saul was not the ideal candidate to throw in with... But that didn't stop Barnabas. Then he even gets cooler when it stopped being Barnabas and Paul and it flips to Paul and Barnabas. I don't think Barnabas found his identity in WHAT he did for Jesus and the kingdom but IN Jesus and who's he was. He didn't need to be out front because he knew it was about the kingdom not him. He wasn't clinging to a title or a position, he didn't need the credit, he needed the kingdom to grow. That also meant that he knew when it was time to step back so the mission could press on. 

I love that we also see that when he knows it's time to change directions from Paul, he didn't stop, he kept moving forward with John Mark. Even though John Mark didn't do so well on round one Barnabas didn't give up on him. 

I wonder how many times we give up on someone when they disappoint us, or don't live up to the standard we have of them in our mind. Or just because they are broken. Barnabas didn't. In fact by the end of it... Paul was asking for John Mark. Barnabas strikes again. He wasn't perfect he had his flaws but he never stopped working for the kingdom. There are no books in the bible with his name on them but he was there for Paul, and John Mark and look what came from them. I can't help but think that had Barnabas not been so faithful in his walk that things may have had a different look. Barnabas didn't lead from out front, he lead from the middle and I think that is exactly where he wanted to be. I don't think he would have wanted a book with his name on it. I don't think he would have wanted to be praised, I think he lived out his life doing just exactly what he was called to do, and found joy in knowing who's he was and who he was doing his work for. 

I feel like the best way to describe Barnabas was slow and steady. He wasn't just looking at the short run, but the long game. I think of a guy that lived out his gift in God's will for his life and he did it from the back seat. He was a leader who knew that if you want to go fast you will go alone, but if you want to go far you go together. He was the leader who didn't say "I will do this and you just watch and try and catch what I am doing",  I would bet he was the kind that said, "you take this and let me walk beside you", and I know that if you failed he would be there to say, "That didn't work out so well, try again." He would ask while you walk ...."So what did you learn from that? What would you do different next time?" .... 

I know we aren't all a Barnabas kind of leader, but if I could choose the kind of leader I would want to be, it would be Barnabas. He was flawed for sure, but aren't we all? I don't want to give up on someone just because they don't do it like I do and I want to be open minded, there is more than one way to do things. I want people to find their way, to use the gifts God gave them and live fully in His will for their life, my way can't be their way because we aren't the same. I want to know when it's time for me to sit back and let them run, I will have no problem letting them run and clapping from the sideline. I don't need my name in lights, I need the kingdom to grow. I don't need the world to know me, I need the world to know my King! Barnabas knew when he was being called away from something in order for the kingdom to grow, and he was ok with that. He knew it wasn't all about him, and that we make mistakes and some folks will be harder to teach but we shouldn't walk away from them just because it's hard. Because he stayed, he invested, he allowed people to make mistakes and learn from it. He also learned from the people he invested in. I think you can learn from everyone, some people you just learn what you don't want to do or who you don't want to be like. 

I think we can all use a little more Barnabas in our lives, with our kids, our family, at work, in whatever you do in life and I pray we all find a little Barnabas in the days ahead. The world could use more Barnabas I think! 

Moving forward, I will strive to be more like Barnabas in every area of my life. Pray for me y'all! 

~H

A simple Snail and Numbers 15:37-41

I found myself up bright and early the other morning, at about 2am. I laid in bed and tossed and turned. This thought kept running through my mind about being obedient to God. You see for the past month I have felt off, like a disconnect with something. Like I need to be doing something but I am not sure what or why I am feeling this. So I have been asking, "show me because I just am not understanding Lord show me what I need to do to understand this. I know you are trying to teach me something but I just can't figure it out." 

You see the enemy has done a great job over the course of the past month to discourage me and not just a little ..... as per is his m.o.

So I can't seem to wrap my head around things, just crazy busy mind and stupid whispers.

So the other night at around 2 am God gently laid some questions to rest. He sent me back to the Old Testament and to Moses. Maybe be I am a bit hard headed like him or like to give excuses but that's neither here nor there....

He took me to the spot where He talks to Moses about the Ephod. Seems a little silly but ok I will run with it, because it's never silly and it always is just what I need. God is so faithful to supply the answers. I just wish they came at say 5pm and not 2am but hey, I will take it. I need answers and I got them. 

Anyway, back to Moses and the Ephod.....

So what is an Ephod? 

The ephod was an article of sacred clothing worn by the high priests of the Levitical Priesthood. The Lord directed that they were not to wear ordinary clothing during their service, but they were to have “holy garments” made by those whom the Lord had “filled with the spirit of wisdom.” (Ex. 28:2–3.) These sacred garments were to be passed from father to son along with the high priestly office itself. (Ex. 29:29.)

The ephod, worn over a blue robe, was made of blue, purple, and scarlet material, with designs of gold thread skillfully woven into the fabric. This garment was fastened at each shoulder and had an intricately woven band with which it could be fastened around the waist. In gold settings on each shoulder were onyx stones engraved with the names of the 12 sons of Israel as a “memorial” as the priest served before the Lord. (See Ex. 28:6–14 and Ex. 39:2–7). Fastened to the ephod was a breastplate into which the Urim and Thummim could be placed. (Ex. 28:15–30.) Here is what I found

Ok so what has that got to do with anything in my situation God? 

I read through the passages again, and again... And it just wasn't sinking in... 

Still not understanding and wondering I kept digging and I found myself in Numbers 15:37 and I read through verse 41... here is what that says...

37. The LORD said to Moses, 38. "Speak to the people of Israel, and tell them to make tassels on the corners of their garments throughout their generations, and to put a cord of blue on the tassel of each corner. 39. And it shall be a tassel for you to look at and remember all the commandments of the LORD, to do them, not to follow after your own heart and your own eyes, which you are inclined to whore after. 40. So you shall remember and do all my commandments, and be holy to your God.41. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt to be your God: I am the LORD your God. 

I have to be honest, I still didn't get it. I was a bit more frustrated as I felt like I was getting nowhere. I had thought answers would come but it seems like the answers eluded me again. Frustrated at myself for just not getting it, all I knew I could do was just bow my head and pray, "Father I am so sorry for just not getting it, I know you want me to understand and to know but I can't seem to get there. Please don't give up on me, continue to press into what you want me to understand and open my mind, quiet the noise so I can hear you. In Jesus name, Amen" And that's where I left it. I got up and went about my day. As the day pressed on and the normal of the day set in I found my mind wondering about different things, and began to seek answers again.  

Like.... In no real order.....

Where did they get blue die? 

How hard was it to find the items on the Ephod? 

How long did it take to make the Ephod? 

Is this really about an Ephod? 

Did they use flowers to create the die? 

What did that process look like? 

Did someone just spend their days doing these things? 

So in light of some of the questions I set out to find the answers. 

*I just want to take a moment to marvel in the fact that I know as I went on with my day God, the creator of everything, through the work of the Spirit began to lead me down the path he wanted me to go. These questions that were being laid on my mind came from Him. He knows me so well that He knows how I work and is patient with me when I fall short. I am in constant awe of Him. Just to add to the beauty of that, I am not the only one He knows so well. He knows all of us like that! I find that beyond beautiful.  

So where did all these questions land?

How did they get the dye? I felt like this was the pressing question in my mind that I kept coming back to. So I ran with it... Here is a smidge of what I found. 

   In the 1950’s a discovery of a small piece of fabric was tested and results confirmed that the Murex trunculus mollusc was the source of the rare blue dye. It also confirmed the exact color of the dye. This piece of fabric was found in a cave where Jewish freedom fighters hid in the 2nd century AD during the Bar Kokhba revolt. It was thought to be from flowers (and that's what I would have thought as well), turns out it wasn't. This was much harder.  A modern investigator extracted 1.4 gram of the purple dye from 12,000 such snails, thus explaining the high cost of the tekhelet and purple dyes. *Read all about it here. Pretty cool for the history behind it.  So what everything points to is this was a looooonnnggg process and one that took a lot of effort and time. All to honor and worship God. 

Here is the snail.... 

So this guy is what they went with to get this very specific blue dye.

After reading more and more it began to sink in. *sometimes it takes me a little time to understand...

At this point I think I was grasping what God was trying to tell me and we had only gotten to the dye to make the items.

And it seems so simple...Now... 

His words from numbers rings in my mind.... "I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt to be your God: I am the LORD your GOD. 

He brought me out of my slavery. 

He loves me and knows me. 

Even if the process He is asking me to walk through seem strange and hard and messy, it's for my own good and for His Glory. 

So He presents me with another question, 

What are you doing to prepare for the tasks I have laid out for you? You know I have a plan for you, I have called you to something more, how are you preparing for it? Are you leaving it up to someone else? Are you making sure I am in every part of it or are you waiting for someone else to tell you what to do? Is it their call? 

And the question that stuck out the most....

Don't you see I want to be apart of all of it with you, are you leaving me out of some things because you want to still control what happens? Are you doing even the little things, or what you see as little, to bring honor and glory to me? 

He wants to be apart of every little bit, right down to the color of the tread, and they obeyed. No task was insignificant nor small and useless. God laid the plan out and it was their job, and our job to obey right down to the color of the thread. Which when you think about it, what seemed the most insignificant detail took a great deal of effort more than some others. More costly and more time consuming. 

So I asked myself..... Am I putting God in every detail, every part of my life? Am I working hard in the small details or what I would consider insignificant details? 

The answer knocked the breath out of me. The answer was no. I try to do things my way, and tend to not worry about the small "insignificant stuff", because really who cares about thread? 

God cares! 

He wants to be in every part of our life right down to the tread. 
What is the significance of a tread? Well that's a post for another time. It seems we can learn a lot from thread. 

Ultimately I got what He was saying...Why am I feeling disconnected? The answers wasn't so much as the ephod, but the effort that was put in to worship and honor Him. When I wasn't putting in the effort it was leaving small cracks that the whispers could get in and causing me to get discouraged and feel more disconnected.  

And the question that I now have posted on my bathroom mirror to remind me everyday..... Is He in my thread today? I want to make sure I don't forget to put God and His word in the smallest of details in my life every single day. Even if I find it small and insignificant, I want to remember He knows how many hairs I have on my head, which might seem insignificant to me but He takes the time to know. 

These questions He leaves for me, leave me in even more awe and wonder of who He is. I don't think I will ever stop being amazed of Him. I pray each of you never stop being in amazement of God as well! I pray He gives you little questions that burn in you and cause you to seek Him and His wisdom for your life.